April 18, 2016: I Accidentally Punch a Little Leaguer in the Face Making an “Out” Call at Third Base


Backstory - I have umpired tee ball/baseball games for the local recreation department for several years. But in 2014, that all came to an end. During that offseason, I developed an incredible strike three call that involved a 180 degree turn and this move like I was cranking a lawnmower. To ensure I was able to uncork that move as often as possible, I adopted a strike zone the size of the Lake Lanier. Unfortunately, the parents and coaches didn’t take too kindly to me “showing up the kids” and were constantly complaining to league officials. The final straw came later in the year, when, as the field umpire during a tee ball game, I reversed a couple of the home plate umpire’s (the little turd was a high schooler) calls. It culminated in a shouting/shoving match that had to be broken up by the coaches and left several players in tears and “traumatized.” The league fired me later that night. 

But in 2016, I was able to get reinstated through some maneuvering involving an old high school buddy of mine who is a successful Amway salesman in the local market and has a lot of connections in the rec department. Given my past conduct, however, the league limited me to being the “field” umpire. During the first game of the season, I went out of the way to make my mark by calling balks. Now I don’t really know what constitutes a balk, mind you, but I rang up over a dozen of them using this move where I would run out into the middle of the field and “wave off” the pitch the way a referee would wave off a shot in basketball. So with that backdrop, here is what happened the second game that I umpired in 2016:

Guess we can chalk this one up to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The night was mostly quiet out on the basepaths after the league director - at the behest of some parents and coaches - made me stop calling balks. Apparently there are no such things for 9-10 year olds. However, late in the game there finally was a play where a kid was trying to stretch a double into a triple. The throw was coming into third and it looked like it was going to be a bang-bang play. I was so amped up that I went into my "out" call before third baseman caught the ball. I did this move where I step forward and jab with my left hand and then violently cross with my right. Unfortunately, I had a lot more momentum than I thought, so it carried me past third into the baseline. The runner came in much higher than I anticipated and I accidentally clipped his chin with the high school football region championship ring (3-way tie) on my right hand. Also, the kid was clearly safe, but that's really neither here nor there. 

Of course, the kid acted like a total baby about the whole thing and his parents were very upset. I blamed both of them and his coaches for not teaching the kid how to slide properly, and they said they were going to complain to the league. I was hired back for this season on a "zero tolerance" basis after what happened in 2014, so I really hope this thing just goes away.

January 20, 2016: The DT with the Rat Tail Allegedly Superglues a Kid’s Hands to His Head


This is not good. The star defender for my youth football team this last season, the DT with the Rat Tail, allegedly superglued a kid’s hands to his head today at school. This evidently happened during detention while the teacher was out of the room, so the details are a little sketchy. The DT with the Rat Tail and the "victim" were the only ones in the room when the teacher left to go to the restroom. But when the teacher returned, the “victim” was locked in a closet with his hands superglued to his head, and the DT with the Rat Tail was nowhere to be found.

The DT with the Rat Tail’s father (an executive shoe salesman at Payless) called me immediately after the school called him. Obviously, our main concern is a suspension/expulsion or anything that could put his eligibility for next season in jeopardy. So now I've got my cousin the workers’ comp attorney on the case. He's instructed the kid to stay out of school tomorrow and not talk to school officials. He's going to be contacting the school's vice principal tomorrow to invoke the Fifth Amendment, assert the DT with the Rat Tail’s Miranda Rights, and let them know that they're going to have to prove their case through “corroborating testimony,” which they don’t have. He also threatened to “start deposing every bureaucrat in the school system” if they don’t let this go, so I feel pretty good about where we are at right now. I have to give my cousin credit — he's really earning the unlimited use of my parents' time share in Westminster, SC that is his fee for serving as our team’s legal counsel. But if this ends in an expulsion, it could cause major troubles for our defensive front next season.