Pete the Vice Principal

Perhaps my youth football team’s biggest outside ally is the vice principal of the elementary school that my players attend. His name is Pete, and he has been of immense value to us. 

At one point, we had a couple of players who had major disciplinary problems or were on the verge of academic ineligibility, so we were looking for some inside help. Thankfully, my DC knew Pete because they both hang out at the bowling alley a lot. We were eventually able to work out an agreement under which with Pete under which he agreed to turn a blind eye to disciplinary problems and to “adjust” grades when necessary. In return, twice a month, we buy him all the wings and beer he can consume at Hooters, and he gets four free VIP passes to the local gentleman’s club every quarter. Pete may not fit within society’s pre-conceived notion of a “passionate” educator, but he’s done more to positively influence the lives of students than 99% of teachers out there. 

Pete, who is a self-professed “big fan” of Hooters, is in his late 30s and lives alone. He usually wears a drab, olive or brown colored button up shirt tucked into khakis with a matching tie. He is average in almost every way. Pete keeps a stack of Hustler magazines in his desk at school, and is fidgety and has a not-so-well-hidden cocaine problem, but you didn’t hear that from me.

The DT with the Rat Tail’s Father

The DT with the Rat Tail’s Father (for more on the DT with the Rat Tail, visit the Players page) is without question the most supportive parent on my youth football team. He would literally instruct his son to run off a 1,000 foot cliff if me and my DC asked him to, so he’s really the perfect youth football parent. Many of the other parents are afraid of him. 

The DT with the Rat Tail’s father is an executive shoe salesman at Payless Shoes who also peddles second-hand four wheelers and ATVs on the side. In 2017, he and my youth football team’s DC decided to team up and open a baseball card “emporium.” They eventually had to shut the operation down after getting busted for selling doctored 1989 Ken Griffey Jr. Upper Deck rookie cards (they got caught because they misspelled it “Griffy” on the cards) in the parking lot beside Payless. 

The DT with the Rat Tails father is in his early 40’s and is about 6’3 with a pretty thick head of hair and a bushy mustache. He is usually dressed in his Payless polo shirt tucked into a pair of tight Levi 505s similar to what Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future, white socks, and Hush Puppy Penny Loafers.  

My DC’s Girlfriend Brandy

My DC has never been married, but he is currently in a long-term relationship with Brandy. Brandy is thirty-two years old and has a fourteen year old son (more on him below). Previously, she worked as a filing clerk at a local doctor’s office. However, she was fired after she “borrowed” the office’s cast saw so that my DC could prematurely saw off his cast after he’d fractured his left wrist. She now works as the receptionist at a hair and nail salon. She drives a Pontiac Firebird with a vanity plate. 

Brandy is about 5’6 and of average build. She’s one of those people who appears to be frozen in time in her senior year of high school from a personal style and fashion sense. For instance, I would describe her fashion choices as “early 2000’s trashy.” She is a brunette with really awful and cheap-looking highlights and tends to wear heavy eyeshadow. 

Brandy’s Son Randy

Brandy has a fourteen year old son named Randy. Randy is constant disciplinary and academic problem at school and has been “held back” twice, so he’s only in sixth grade despite his age. He’s a decent athlete, but is unable to stay eligible. He spends most of his time playing video games and lying to his friends about getting laid. My DC once pawned Randy’s school-issued laptop so that he could buy a ticket to the UGA-Alabama game. There’s no chance of Randy ever making past the 10th grade, so we figured we weren’t doing any long-term harm. I will often invite Brandy to bring Randy to my family’s gatherings so that he can torment my GTurd nephews, who are absolutely terrified of him. 

Randy is pretty tall and pretty muscular. He usually has rather greasy, unkempt dark hair and does not shave, so he has your classic adolescent mustache, which he believes looks incredible.