Twitter Tombstones - WeRateDogs

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 What is WeRateDogs?

A Twitter account that posts pictures of dogs, which are inevitably followed by a flood of replies giving inappropriately high ratings, even for the ugly ones. Three million people follow this account. Fifty-six hundred follow mine. Pretty much sums up the current state of America. 

What did you do to upset WeRateDogs?

Shared an inspirational story about this one time I made a player on my youth football team drop his German Shepherd off at the local pound overnight because I consider pets a distraction. All in all, a situation that worked out well for both the player and, presumably, the dog. But you wouldn’t know that from the immediate block I received from WeRateDogs and the flood of angry Twitter responses I received: 

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Deranged Twitter Direct Messages

It probably won’t surprise you to learn that I occasionally receive some very angry direct messages via Twitter. While some might choose to ignore these, I almost always engage in an effort to bring them to the side of goodness and light - much like an Evangelical Christian might do if they received a direct message from a non-believer. 

Below are some of the more unhinged people I’ve encountered via direct message. Since these aren’t public figures, I’ve cropped out their identifying information: 

Deranged Direct Messenger No. 1: The Guy Who Threated to “Rearrange” My Teeth

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 2: The Person Who Wanted to Know What’s Wrong with Me

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 3:  The Guy Who Thinks I’m An “Absolute Moron”

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 4: The Guy Who Thinks I’m a Piece of Shit  

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 5:  The Guy Who Appears to Have Been Hammered

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 6: The Guy Who Threw a Tantrum and Blocked Me

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 7: The Guy Who Wants Me to “Just Stop It”

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 8: The Person Who Thinks It’s “Unhealthy” To Lose 15 Pounds in 3 Days: 

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 9: I Don’t Even Know Where to Begin:  

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 10: The Guy Who Thinks I’m a Narcissist:

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Deranged Direct Messenger No. 11: The British Guy Who Thinks I’m a Prick

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The Hugh Freeze Chronicles

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This one isn’t technically a tombstone, because Hugh Freeze did not block me. Nevertheless, it is worth chronicling my exchange with the former Ole Miss coach. 

Who is Hugh Freeze? 

Former Ole Miss and Arkansas State head coach; Profiled in “The Blind Side” as Michael Oher’s high school coach; Alleged user of school-provided cell phone to call escort services; Wants us to believe Jesus is the reason he miraculously convinced a bunch of highly-ranked recruits to go to Ole Miss. 

What did you do to offend Hugh? 

Said that hoping the Cleveland Browns would not screw up their first round draft pick was tantamount to expecting Hugh Freeze not to violate NCAA rules.

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This evidently got Hugh’s attention, because a short time later, I was treated to the following direct message in my Twitter inbox: 

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Since I had Hugh on the line, there was no way I was going to let a question I’ve had for five years go unasked:

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At this point, I decided not to press him further for an answer on Tunsil, because it seemed he was on the verge of inviting me to attend a men’s bible study. 

 

Twitter Tombstones - Mario Verduzco

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Who is Mario Verduzco?

Quarterbacks Coach for the University of Nebraska; not particularly adept at navigating Twitter’s direct messaging feature.

What did you do to upset Mario Verduzco?

This story is a little more involved than other Twitter Tombstones. As best I can tell, the chain of events leading to Coach Verduzco blocking me began with a polite suggestion that I tweeted at Nebraska’s head coach, Scott Frost:

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From there, things started to get a little strange. About an hour later, I received the following direct message from Coach Verduzco, which appears to have been intended for a “Nick” whom Coach Verduzco noticed follows me on Twitter:

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Hmmm. Naturally, I had to assume that Scott Frost had learned that I am an established youth football coaching legend and instructed Coach Verduzco to look into bringing me onto the staff. In other words, I thought Scott Frost might be serious about returning Nebraska to the Tom Osborne glory days. I’m not one to beat around the bush, so I immediately responded to Coach Verduzco and outlined my very fair terms for joining the staff:

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By any objective measure, these are very generous terms. $40/hr is an absolute bargain for any P5 assistant coach, let alone one with my coaching pedigree and documented history of success. Furthermore, my demand that I be allowed to bring along my youth football coaching staff is actually to Nebraska’s benefit much more than my own. Can you imagine my youth football team’s DC commandeering the Blackshirts? Or the intensity of Barb the Bowling Alley Manager’s offseason workout program? Or the recruits my offensive assistant who is in probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys could bring in? Nebraska was, for a brief second in time, on the cusp of a return to greatness and a likely trip to the College Football Playoff this fall.

Alas, it was not to be.

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