As you can probably imagine, someone who has achieved the level of coaching success that I have is not without enemies:

“David Letterman” – My biggest coaching rival is someone I went to HS with. We called him “David Letterman,” because he’s one of those guys that only played senior year (exclusively on special teams, mind you) just to get a letter jacket. He despises me, my DC, and my offensive assistant because we were all legitimate three-year lettermen. Back in 2013, I had a brief stint as his secondary coach that ended after we got into a shouting match about defensive schemes at a funeral home visitation service for one of our player’s grandfathers. His team is our biggest competition for league domination. I require all of our players to refer to him as “Coach Letterman,” which makes him furious. He sells vacuum cleaners for a living. 

The Assistant to the League Director – The assistant to the league director for the youth football league is a frail loser who also went to my high school. He hates me because I once gave him an atomic wedgie in the lunchroom in front of nearly the entire school and made fun of him for taking AP classes. And, of course, he never lettered in shit. Ever since I started coaching my youth football team, he has devoted much of his time to trying to thwart my strategic advantages as payback for past humiliations. He is the reason I ultimately hired my cousin the workers comp attorney to act as the team’s legal counsel. He graduated from the University of South Carolina with a philosophy degree and now works in the photo department of a local drugstore. He is a huge Gamecocks fan so I always bark at him whenever I see him. The outlet for his personal frustrations is an online message board for photo developers, which he angrily moderates, wielding his authority like the dictator of some long-forgotten Soviet republic. 

More to come . . .