Updates From the Road - December 24, 2017: We Drive to Branson, Missouri and Politely Nudge a Bicyclist Off the Road With Our ‘97 Dodge Stratus


This morning, we hit the road in our ‘97 Dodge Stratus to travel (with a giant plume of smoke behind us) from Texarkana to an incredible American city where I’ve always wanted to spend the holidays - Branson, Missouri. Branson basically what you’d get if you multiplied Gatlinburg by Pigeon Forge and then added Cherokee, North Carolina. So in other words, a must-see destination if you are an American, or even for someone from abroad traveling in America.

The trip up there was largely drama free. We stopped at a rest stop near the Arkansas-Missouri line where I had a testy exchange with some Missouri fans, who evidently are a little sensitive about you saying that “Lamar Odom” is their coach. But we made it to Branson, and I will able to do a little pre-dinner shopping and purchase an incredible custom-made leather belt with an attached leather cell phone holder with “Class of ‘97” emblazoned on them. 

We were able to cap the night off with a formal Christmas Eve dinner at Longhorn, and we left there to go to the Dixie Stampede parking lot to close a deal on 25 pairs of counterfeit Oakleys. We were running a few minutes behind, and on the way there, we got behind this bicyclist who was in the middle of the lane and going painfully slow. My offensive assistant who is on probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys (and not allowed to operate a motor vehicle) was driving, and tried honking, flashing his high beams, and yelling obscenities. At that point, my offensive assistant had no choice but to use the Dodge Stratus to easily nudge the bicyclist off to the side of the road and into the ditch. Otherwise, we were going to miss out on the deal. The nudge was so slight that the cyclist didn’t fall off his bike, nor were he or his bicycle harmed. I even rolled down the window to wish him a Happy Christmas as we rolled past. And how did that a-hole respond to my olive branch? By flipping me off and telling me to go to hell. 


Updates from the Road - December 22, 2017: Entrepeneurship and Dealmaking Arrive in Shreveport


I’ve always dreamed of visiting Shreveport, but since I’m not a GTurd fan, I can’t use the Independence Bowl as an excuse to go there. But today, that dream materialized into reality.

Getting from Meridian, Mississippi to Shreveport isn’t the easiest thing to do without a car. Thankfully we ran into a fellow Dawg fan who distributes bread to Subways in Mississippi and Northern Louisiana. He agreed to give us a lift down to Shreveport in the back of his truck in exchange for five pairs of counterfeit Oakleys, which we happily gave up for the ride. He also gave us a booklet of buy one get one free coupons, so we are going to be eating like kings for the rest of the journey.

It isn’t often a place fully lives up to expectations, but Shreveport proved to be everything I’d hoped. Chemical plants, chain restaurants, the Independence Bowl, a bridge – this city has pretty much anything you could want. We were able to find a really great Sears there and stood out front and sold several pairs of counterfeit Oakleys to holiday shoppers before security intervened and forcibly removed us from the premises. It’s really a shame that Sears, once an icon of American ingenuity, no longer respects the entrepreneurial spirit. I guess we now know why that company is in trouble.

The day ended with an interesting proposition. We ended up befriending the desk clerk at the Days Inn where we are staying by offering him some Fireball. He was kind enough to look the other way when we went door to door at the hotel selling counterfeit Oakleys and telling them they could just put it on their bill. He was so impressed with the operation that he wanted to get in on the counterfeit Oakley distribution business, and negotiations began. After hearing about some of our transportation issues, he offered to trade us his ’97 Dodge Stratus straight up for one of our garbage bags of the sunglasses. We agreed to sleep on it, and the parameters for a historic compromise began to take shape.