I got an email from the choral director (the piccolo player’s dad) letting me know that he "fundamentally disagreed" with the way my DC and I ran our program and that he felt our win at all costs attitude, "denigration" of academics, music, and the arts, and "autocratic and militaristic" style had no place in youth sports. As a result, he could not in good conscience allow his son to continue to play for this team.
But it gets even better. He said that one of the other coaches had agreed to let the piccolo player play for his team and asked if I would consent to his changing teams, which apparently the league will allow if both coaches and the parent's player consent. So now I'm not just rid of this kid, but I also get the benefit of having him foul up the secondary for one of our opponents. This may be the greatest personnel change since I recruited the likely overage QB with traces of a mustache for last year's team. I respond to his email by linking a youtube video of a choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah (which I intentionally misspelled and mischaracterized as "Handler's Water Music" just to piss him off).
My DC and I are putting down shots of Fireball at Beef's to celebrate right now. One down, a handful more to go.