August 6, 2015: I Implement a Revolutionary Strategy for the Youth Football Draft and Draft a Piccolo Player and a Vegan

Today was the youth football draft. I've spent weeks getting ready for this and held a summit at my parents' timeshare in Westminster, SC, this past weekend with my DC and assistants to finalize plans. And we came up with a revolutionary draft strategy.

There comes a point in every draft where all the useful kids have been taken and the only players left are ones that have nothing to contribute. Last year, I made the mistake of just assuming that I could bench their asses and they'd either quit or just occupy space on the sidelines. Unfortunately, I later discovered the league has a "one quarter" rule under which every player has to play at least one quarter in every game. There are some ways around this - a couple of times last year I "completely forgot" about a particular kid until there was 90 seconds left in the game and the outcome was no longer in doubt, but you can only get away with that excuse once or twice a year. So because of the one quarter rule, terrible players aren't just useless tackling dummies; they are affirmative detriments to the team.

My strategy for the back end of the draft this year was innovative. Most coaches just pick kids at random because they all suck anyway (that's what I did last year), but this year we did a lot of research on those players and decided to focus on trying to draft weak-willed kids who we thought we could make quit. I received some valuable intel before the draft from one of the local school system’s cafeteria workers about this one kid who plays the piccolo and another who is vegan. Needless to say, I snapped them up immediately after all of the useful players were taken. I'll put the over/under on them quitting at two practices.

I have distributed the offensive and defensive playbooks to all the parents and asked them to take 30 minutes out of their kids normal homework time each night to learn the plays in advance of next Thursday's practice. Lastly, I asked them to try and keep non-football related school absences to a minimum, because throughout the year I'll be asking them to hold their kids out of school for the entire day or pick them up early so they can focus on certain games.