Special Christmas Flashback - December 17, 2015: My DC and I Get Ejected from My Nephews’ “The Nutcracker” Performance


Probably not one of my better ideas to show up to this thing. However, my youth football team’s DC and I had been drinking at Beef's starting at noon, and I mentioned to my DC after we were several drinks down that my nephews were going to be in The Nutcracker this afternoon. The backstory of my nephews is that they are elementary schoolers and the product of my sister and my GTurd (Georgia Tech) brother-in-law, who's an electrical engineer. Not surprisingly, they are both frail, bookish, and afraid of/allergic to pretty much everything.  One of them literally peed his pants once when my DC's Chrysler Lebaron backfired.

My DC thought this was the most hilarious thing he'd heard and suggested that we go to the ballet and heckle them. I was already half in the bag, so it seemed like a good idea.  Unfortunately, they weren't going to be on stage until the third movement, and we didn't make it that long. I knew things could go sideways pretty quickly at the beginning, when someone came out to give a quick talk to the audience about the ballet. My DC began snickering loudly anytime the speaker said "Nutcracker" or "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," drawing several nasty looks from other ballet goers.

Early in the ballet, my DC got a call on his cell phone. Vibration/silent mode does not work on his phone, so his ringtone - a recording of him “Calling the Dawgs” and barking - started reverberating throughout the auditorium. He flipped his phone open and took the call right there. An usher quickly came over, and my DC was trying to explain to him that it was his probation officer and he had no choice but to take the call, but the usher was being a real a-hole about the whole thing and accusing my DC of disrupting the performance. I tried to intervene, but the usher saw the open Miller Lite can and small bottle of Fireball in my coat pocket, and told us we would both have to leave or they would be calling the cops. We barked at my brother-in-law on the way out, so the afternoon wasn't a total loss.

We're back at Beef's now, and my DC is doing what he calls the "five pound challenge" - eating one pound of steak nachos each hour, on the hour, for the next 5 hours. Should be a hell of night.