July 4, 2015: I Host a Fourth of July Party at My Parents’ House that Nearly Ends with a Trip to the County Lockup

Tonight, I hosted a 4th of July party at the above-ground pool at my parents’ house (where I’m living temporarily). The guest list was a who’s who of past and current lettermen at my old high school and other prominent community members. The centerpiece of the party was supposed to be my reenactment of George Washington crossing the Delaware in my parents’ above-ground pool. In preparation for that, I asked this one kid to blow up the float I would be using.  He was an academic all-region football player for my high school as a junior last fall, so I assumed he could be trusted to get the job done.

The reenactment was really at a new level this year. My youth football team’s DC did a 2-minute keg stand to get the crowd warmed up. "I'm Proud to be an American" was playing, red, white and blue strobe lights were flashing, and people were setting off bottle rockets, roman candles and black cats as I set sail on the float with a determined look on my face and a pose that was a perfect recreation of Washington in this painting:


I was getting a standing ovation and I'm pretty sure I saw a few people tearing up.  Unfortunately, the little turd I entrusted to blow up the float underinflated it.  So halfway through the journey, the float started to take on water and capsized just before I got to the other side.

Needless to say, I was soaked and absolutely livid.  I berated the kid who inflated the float and told him I hoped he had been saving his money working at Dairy Queen this summer because owed me a new powdered wig and pair of LA Gears, which were ruined as a result of his ineptitude.  I made sure to drop in Bud Kilmer’s "you are the damned dumbest smart kid" during the rant, which of course was lost on him because he’s a millennial, and that only made me angrier.  Me and my DC then made him run gassers and do up and downs in front of the entire crowd until he could barely stand.

I guess one of my parents' neighbors saw the incident, because the cops showed up later that night to break up the party and question me about what happened. I invoked the Fifth Amendment, and they said they would be “investigating” whether any crimes had occurred, such as furnishing alcohol to minors. I need to lay low for a week or two to let things calm down, but I assure am going to come up with an elaborate way to humiliate that kid who underinflated the float the same way he did me.