September 24, 2015: My Youth Football Team Loses, and I Have a Major Post-Game Meltdown

And so the streak ends.

As you all know, my DC was just suspended for four games, and while we are appealing that ludicrous ruling, it won’t be heard until next week. The game tonight was a boring defensive slog and we were only up 14-7 when the 4th quarter began. At that time, I knew we had a problem because there were three shitty kids I had to put in on defense to comply with the league's stupid “one-quarter” rule that requires each kid play at least one quarter. I went and spoke with the defensive assistant who is filling in as the interim DC and told him no big plays under any circumstances. He's an anesthesiologist, so I figured he was smart enough to be entrusted with the keys to the defense while we try to get my DC’s suspension sorted out.

Big mistake. The other team scored early on a play-action pass that sucked in the anesthesiologist’s supposedly “gifted” son (my DC hates that little smartass because he's always correcting my DC's grammar) and allowed a receiver to break free. Then, late in the game, he lost contain on a bootleg and let them score the winning TD.

After the horn sounded, I took the players over to the side (no way we were shaking hands with the other team) and gave them the Bud Kilmer "I hope last night was fun" speech from Varsity Blues, complete with kicking over a water cooler that one of the players’ grandparents had brought, because virtually all of them had ignored my request that they not go on the science museum field trip today so they could focus on the game. I then told the anesthesiologist that I now understood why he was never able to become a real doctor, fired his ass on the spot, and told his son that I saw a lot of kickoff wedge busting at practice in his future if he chose to stay on the team. He quit the team and left. I made the remaining players run a bunch of gassers and then pour out the bottled waters that they ordinarily would drink after the game because they clearly hadn't played hard enough to need hydration.

At that point many of the parents came over to intervene, and I got into a shouting and shoving match with a couple of the dads of the shitty kids. We had to be pulled apart by an off-duty cop and one of the people running the concession stand. Two or three of the moms were crying and made their kids go get in the car. Once things calmed down, I scheduled a "revival" practice for 5:45 a.m. on Saturday and told them that I would assume anyone who didn't show up no longer wanted to be part of the team.

Despite the dramatics, this should be good for the team in the long run. I fully expect my Hotmail inbox to have a couple of messages in it tomorrow from the parents of bad players confirming they won’t be back, so in the end, this loss may prove to be a win.