October 29, 2015: The Rains of Castamere Pour Down on My Youth Football Team’s Opponent

[Note — If Kirby Smart really wants to embarrass Florida on Saturday and send a message, this is the blue print for doing so.]

As most of you know, I wore my Tywin Lannister Halloween costume to our youth football game tonight, which was a playoff semi-final. To complete the Lannister look, I decided to rent a horse and ride it out to midfield before the game. The idea was to project this image and intimidate the opposing team to the maximum extent possible:


Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way. One of the players' grandfathers volunteered to be the equipment manager this year, and I asked him to make arrangements for a horse. I specifically used the words "regal" and "imposing" when describing the type of horse he should get, and he even said he would pay the rental fee. Unfortunately, this idiot showed up tonight with a miniature horse that looked like “Little Sebastian” from Parks and Recreation.


I asked him what the hell this little turd was supposed to be, and he said he was afraid of getting a bigger horse because I've never ridden one. I told him that wasn't his decision to make, fired his ass on the spot, and told him to take the horse into the woods and tie it to a tree so I didn’t have to look at that stupid thing during the game. 

After giving my pre-game speech in a British accent, the piccolo player went out to midfield with his violin and started to play the Rains of Castamere, and DT with Rat Tail stood him waving a flag bearing the Lannister sigil. At halftime, we were up 14-7, but we were having trouble controlling their offense.  The piccolo player told us that the left side of their offensive line was in the remedial reading class at school and that he felt they could not stop him blitzing if he picked the right gap.  We decided to go with it. He's too weak to tackle, but my DC taught him how to do a take out slide during halftime.

Once the second half began, the piccolo player was shooting the gap on every play and causing major havoc in their backfield. On one play, he caused a fumble with his takeout slide that we picked up and returned for a TD. My DC was so fired up he backpedaled across the field and did the dance Trinton Sturdivant did against Florida in '07 in front of the opposing sideline, concluding with a double throat slash. The game was never close after that. The piccolo player, the Vegan, and the DT with the Rat Tail continued to devastate their offense.

We ended up winning 35-7, and I gave myself a Gatorade bath. As a matter of policy, we do not shake hands with the opposing team. But I made an exception in this instance so that I could tell the opposing coach in a British accent: “Tywin Lannister sends his regards.” You should have seen the confused look on that guy’s face. 

We now move on to the league-wide championship against the team that beat us early in the season. Their coach works at the local guitar store. I've been harassing him on his Facebook wall for a few weeks, but now it's time to take it to a new level. We're celebrating at Beef's right now with shots of Fireball and apps, but starting tomorrow it's going to be all business for the next 7 days.