October 25, 2015: My DC Punches Out a Vampire that Scares Him at a Haunted House

Our season literally flashed before my eyes tonight.


We took our youth football team to a haunted house after tonight’s practice as a reward for their great play in last week's game and to help them relax in advance of this week's playoff game. My DC is afraid of almost nothing (we are talking about a guy who once leg dropped a family of copperheads because of a dare), but he is absolute terrified of the paranormal. He was trying to maintain his composure in front of the players, but I could tell he was really nervous before we went in because his face was beet red and he was sweating profusely.

We went into this one room that had organ music playing and a vampire laying in a casket. My DC thought the vampire was just a mannequin and went over to the casket with a couple of players. As he and the players were leaning over the casket, the vampire suddenly rose up. My DC yelled and reflexively punched the vampire right in the face, knocking him out cold.

There was a lot of commotion with security swooping in and grabbing my DC (and he was trying to fight off the one dressed like Freddy Kreuger because those movies give him nightmares) and someone trying to get the vampire to come to. Turns out the vampire is a 15-year old high school kid who now has a very bad black eye and mild concussion. The police were called, but thankfully we had our team's legal counsel — my cousin the workers comp attorney — there. He argued that my DC had been provoked and acted involuntarily. After I dropped the name of my friend who is a deputy sheriff, they realized they were in over their heads and left without arresting him, but said they would re-visit the issue if the vampire decided to press charges. On our way out, the DT with the Rat Tail threatened to drive a wooden stake into the vampire kid’s heart if he said a peep about the incident (which I’ll concede was borderline, but times like these call for full measures, not half measures, to borrow from Mike Ehrmantraut), so we're probably in the clear.