October 2, 2015: My Youth Football Team Wins 28-6 in My DC's Triumphant Return

Just a great night all around and a completely different mood from last week. During his pre-game speech, my DC sawed off his cast to symbolically demonstrate that we are officially moving past the Chrysler LeBaron "trust fall" incident and forgetting the last 3 weeks. He wasn't supposed to get if off for two more weeks, but he had his girlfriend -- who is a file clerk at a doctor's office -- "borrow" the office's cast saw. I think he may have re-fractured the arm at some point tonight, but that's an issue for another day. Given the recent dust-up with the league, I also hired my cousin the workers' comp attorney to act as our team's legal counsel (his fee is unlimited use of my parents' timeshare in Westminster, S.C.), so he was on the sidelines in his best K&G Menswear suit. 

Immediately before kickoff, we had the piccolo player walk out to mid-field and play the "Rains of Castamere" from Game of Thrones on his violin. My DC and I flanked him and stared across the field at the other team with determined looks. You could see the combination of confusion and sheer terror on their faces.

The game got off to a great start. On the other team's first drive we stopped them on 4th and short, prompting my DC to run out onto the field, chest bump the player who made the tackle, and then do a double throat slash toward the other team's sideline. It drew a flag and a threat of an ejection, but it really set the tone for the night. Through 3 quarters, our defense didn't allow a single first down, and my DC was hoping to have his first ever first-down "no hitter," so I made sure that all the shitty players played their one quarter on offense.

Unfortunately, in the fourth quarter, the complete bust of a cornerback we drafted this year got tripped up and fell while backpedaling and trying to cover a fly pattern, letting the receiver broke wide open for a touchdown. My DC was so furious he wrote "Ryan Leef" in permanent marker on the back of the kid's jersey and made him backpedal around the perimeter of the field for the rest of the fourth quarter. The kid was crying after the game and his parents promised he "wouldn't be back," so ultimately the meaningless touchdown was probably best for the team in the long run.

So now we turn our attention to UGA's Game of the Century against Alabama in Athens this weekend. My DC pawned his girlfriend's son's laptop to buy a ticket, and I was able to get one from my boss.  We'll be catching a ride up there Saturday morning with my cousin who has to re-fill vending machines in the area, and hopefully our tailgate will be up and running by the early afternoon.  I had a bad experience when I was tailgating on Friday before the Clemson game last year when some students started making fun of me for doing Larry Munson calls into a megaphone, so hopefully we won't run into that issue this year.